Arlene Robles and Bobbie No are sisters who are both expecting a second child. They say their pregnancies have been relatively problem-free. In the four months she's been carrying the baby, No has thrown up only once, and at eight and a-half months, Robles has felt no morning sickness at all. The two have said they haven't felt particularly moody, nor have they had much jitters about having an addition to the family.
Yet further questioning reveals that each woman has her lion's share of concerns -- some similar, some very different from the other's. Both worry about having enough space in their homes for their growing families, about the pros and cons of day care for their children, and about how their careers will affect their families.
As a national sales coordinator for a San Francisco radio station, Robles thoroughly enjoys her job. With a new baby on the way, however, she's thinking more about how she could be more available for her kids.
"Working with the media in San Francisco was just where I wanted to be," says the 31-year-old. "But the long hours at work, getting up early to commute, and getting home late just isn't going to work with the kids."
It was fine when she and her husband had only Emerson, their 5-year-old son. He's already in preschool, and will soon be in kindergarten full-time. A newborn, though, would require more round-the-clock attention. Robles doesn't want to risk missing the baby's milestones, considering herself lucky enough to have caught Emerson's first words and steps, even though she worked full-time. Plus, she wants to keep an eye on how her son will adjust to being an older brother. Although she and her husband have taken him to sibling-preparation classes, in the past he's been visibly uncomfortable seeing his mom carrying a baby.
On the other hand, No isn't worried at all about her first daughter, Alani. The 7-year-old has been excited about becoming a big sister, and has many activities, such as soccer and Tae Kwon Do, to keep her busy. No's main concern is figuring out whether or not it's worth it for her to work full-time. If all or most of the money she makes goes to day care, she thinks it might be better for her to stay at home with the kids.
"Maybe I could start a home business to supplement our income," the current customer-service manager muses, seemingly confident that things will work out by the time she gives birth. "Right now I'm just concentrating on staying healthy," she says, noting her more conscious efforts to keep informed about her body and the new baby's development. The 27-year-old remembers all too well how ignorant she felt the first time around, because she was too embarrassed to ask questions of her doctor and her family. Now, she feels she is more mature, more proactive, and is reading as much as she can about pregnancy and parenthood.
The issues facing No and Robles -- such as changes in lifestyle, day care, income, career, and sibling adjustment -- are common among expecting families, according to mental health experts. Fortunately for the sisters, they are not experiencing pregnancy problems like extreme mood swings or much physical discomfort to add to the mix. Many women do have these pregnancy problems, however, and coupled with the life-altering decision-making, they can make pregnancy a very stressful time. Yet, believe it or not, this is all still normal.
"A majority of women experience ups and downs during pregnancy. It's hard not to, with physiological and other changes going on," says Diane Ross Glazer, PhD, a psychotherapist at the Encino-Tarzana Regional Medical Center. "If you're always happy during pregnancy -- that's wonderful -- that's normal, too."
Although society often paints a picture of pregnancy as a rosy time, Ross Glazer says surging hormones can make women more emotional, thereby making problems and decision-making all the more difficult. To remedy the situation, she recommends women be kind to themselves and accept their ups and downs as part of the process. She also says it's important to talk to one's partner, a trusted family member, or a friend -- someone that can provide support.
Raphael Good, MD, says it may help to think of problems that arise during pregnancy as chances for families to prepare for life change. "It's an opportunity to come apart and regroup at a higher level," says the professor of psychiatry and ob-gyn at the University of Miami School of Medicine.
Women and their partners usually learn to solve problems and adjust to changes spurred on by pregnancy, says Good, but others may need extra assistance. Anyone who becomes overly depressed, has anxiety or panic attacks, has unhealthy changes in appetite, or experiences physical or mental abuse is urged to seek professional help.
Evaluating Yourself, Relationships
During her pregnancy, Angela Soos fell deeper in love with her husband, Michael, and they both seemed closer than ever. "I was so happy he had given me a baby," says the 30-year-old Holmdel, N.J. resident. "This was something I had always wanted."
Soos appears to be one of the lucky ones. Some expectant mothers report unwanted changes in relationships with their partners. Their significant others may seem unsympathetic, or distant. Or the men may choose to forgo sex with their wives during pregnancy for a host of reasons, including being afraid to hurt the baby.
"Dads go through emotional changes as well," says Diane Sanford, PhD, president of the Women's Healthcare Partnership in St. Louis, Mo. She says it is crucial to continue to address issues with one's partner to come up with solutions that are agreeable to both parties. "For example," she explains, "If he's afraid of having sex during pregnancy, the two of you might want to take daily walks together to stay close."
Sanford also says it helps to think ahead. If you evaluate who you are and who your partner is, you could possibly predict future challenges. "Things don't come out of the blue," she says.
Good couldn't agree more. He says people and their relationships generally remain the same during, as before, pregnancy. Women who tend to be critical of their bodies, for example, may lament over how fat they're getting, while those who are comfortable with themselves, may love the way their swollen belly looks.
By the same token, the dynamic between couples during pregnancy usually reflects their relationship beforehand. Good says partners may think things have changed, but really, people's true nature comes out in times of crisis. In this case, the crisis is pregnancy.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The Pre-Baby Vacation
The nursery is ready, you're stocked up on onesies, and you've got the market cornered on diapers. You are ready for baby to come -- well, almost. Before you pack your bag and get ready for your highly anticipated trip to the hospital, pack it for a babymoon, instead.
The babymoon is the new way to describe the pre-baby vacation, before you can use the word parent to describe yourself. It's your curtain call, your last hoorah, your encore. But whether it's to Hawaii, Timbuktu, or a B&B around the corner, vacationing while with child calls for some extra consideration. Experts give WebMD traveling dos and don'ts for expectant moms.
Before You Go
Before you call the travel agent and book your trip, the first thing you should do is talk to your doctor, especially if you are in the third trimester.
"Be absolutely certain that there are no risk factors for premature pregnancy," says Thomas Ivester, MD, from the division of maternal fetal medicine at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. "I think the biggest risk is that you are far from home when you deliver."
With timing in mind, the safest window of opportunity for a pregnant woman to travel is during the second trimester, or 18-24 weeks, according to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG).
"While weeks 18-24 may be the safest time to travel, that doesn't exclude the rest of your pregnancy. There are just more safety issues in the first and third trimesters to consider," says Sandra Cesario, MD, from the College of Nursing at Texas Woman's University in Houston.
"Those first few weeks, you may be nauseated and tired, and it's not a good time to travel."
Also, schedule your vacation around your prenatal visits. While this trip is important, so are your trips to the doctor.
Where to Babymoon
While dashing off to an exotic location sounds nice, it's not necessarily practical. So what do you need to consider before you book a trip to the jungles of Belize while pregnant?
First, if you decide to travel internationally, you should consult with your obstetrician to evaluate both the quality of care that will be available at your exotic location of choice and what preventive measures, like vaccinations, should be taken before you go.
"If you are traveling to another country, you should check if that country requires immunizations," says Khalil Tabsh, MD, chief of obstetrics at UCLA. "If it's not a live vaccine, it is OK. If it is live, then you should check with your obstetrician." Live virus vaccines include measles, mumps, rubella, varicella, and yellow fever.
You should also consider altitude when picking your vacation spot. The CDC recommends that all pregnant women avoid altitudes higher than 12,000 feet, and in high-risk or late-stage pregnancies, avoid destinations higher than 8,200 feet -- so save the trip to Mt. Everest for another day.
Finally, do you fly or drive? The ACOG states that women can fly safely up to 36 weeks into their pregnancies.
"If you are flying, check to see if there are any restrictions with the airline you've chosen," says Cesario. "There are certain airline policies that do require a letter from your doctor that it's safe for you to travel while pregnant -- you'd hate to plan a trip and find the airline won't let you get on."
Packing Your Bag
Your doctor has given you the green light, and you are ready for the babymoon to begin. What should you do next, other than pack a pair of flip flops and a sarong?
Check that you will have access to quality medical facilities at your travel destination, in case you need them. "I would take a complete list of contact information for your doctors," says Ivester. "I would also carry along contact information for qualified or highly-rated health-care facilities in the area where you are traveling, in case you need them."
Ensure your health insurance is valid while abroad, and to be on the safe side, the CDC suggests getting a supplemental travel insurance policy and a prepaid medical evaluation insurance policy.
Know your blood type, and find out if the blood supply where you are going is screened for HIV and hepatitis B.
Babymoon Dos and Don'ts
You're booked, packed, and ready to go. Here are some tips to keep in mind while traveling while expecting.
Flying the friendly skies.
When flying, the ACOG recommends that pregnant women get up and walk every half hour if possible and flex and extend their ankles frequently to prevent blood clots. Also, wear your seat belt under your belly, and drink plenty of fluids to stay hydrated.
Road trips.
"Appropriate seat belt use is very important -- buckle it below the bulge of the belly," says Cesario. "It's a big deal because there is a myth that seat belts will hurt the baby, when they really save lives and it's always safer to wear it."
Always travel with a companion.
Remember that while you may be on vacation, your heartburn, leg cramps, and frequent bathroom trips are not, so a travel partner at the very least will give you sympathy. More practically, your companion can search for a bathroom for you when you're in the middle of nowhere and need to go.
Know when to seek medical attention.
"If a pregnant woman has bleeding, cramping, fever, pain, or contractions, she should seek medical care immediately, wherever she is," says Tabsh.
Don't drink the water.
If you're in California, don't worry about it. But if you're in the rain forest in South America, don't drink the water. According to the CDC, hepatitis E, which can be contracted through water, is not vaccine preventable and can be especially dangerous for pregnant women.
"Pregnant women should drink bottled water when traveling in developing areas," says Tabsh. "Also make sure that the meat you eat is thoroughly cooked when traveling, and avoid salads, which might have been washed with tap water that isn't clean."
Avoid mosquitoes more so than usual.
Diseases like malaria can be more severe in pregnant women and harmful to a fetus, according to the CDC. So avoid insects by wearing proper clothing, remaining indoors during dusk and dawn when mosquitoes are most active, using bed nets, and applying DEET-containing repellents. Also, talk to your doctor about preventive medicine.
"If you are traveling to endemic areas of malaria, you should be on anti-malarial medication," says Tabsh.
Avoid scuba diving and anything with impact.
"Anything that might have a high impact or high risk of falling, like bicycling or skiing, should be avoided," says Ivester. "Also avoid anything with extreme pressure changes, like scuba diving."
Relax while you still can.
"Make it a relaxing vacation," says Cesario. "Enjoy yourself and try not to do too much."
The babymoon is the new way to describe the pre-baby vacation, before you can use the word parent to describe yourself. It's your curtain call, your last hoorah, your encore. But whether it's to Hawaii, Timbuktu, or a B&B around the corner, vacationing while with child calls for some extra consideration. Experts give WebMD traveling dos and don'ts for expectant moms.
Before You Go
Before you call the travel agent and book your trip, the first thing you should do is talk to your doctor, especially if you are in the third trimester.
"Be absolutely certain that there are no risk factors for premature pregnancy," says Thomas Ivester, MD, from the division of maternal fetal medicine at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. "I think the biggest risk is that you are far from home when you deliver."
With timing in mind, the safest window of opportunity for a pregnant woman to travel is during the second trimester, or 18-24 weeks, according to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG).
"While weeks 18-24 may be the safest time to travel, that doesn't exclude the rest of your pregnancy. There are just more safety issues in the first and third trimesters to consider," says Sandra Cesario, MD, from the College of Nursing at Texas Woman's University in Houston.
"Those first few weeks, you may be nauseated and tired, and it's not a good time to travel."
Also, schedule your vacation around your prenatal visits. While this trip is important, so are your trips to the doctor.
Where to Babymoon
While dashing off to an exotic location sounds nice, it's not necessarily practical. So what do you need to consider before you book a trip to the jungles of Belize while pregnant?
First, if you decide to travel internationally, you should consult with your obstetrician to evaluate both the quality of care that will be available at your exotic location of choice and what preventive measures, like vaccinations, should be taken before you go.
"If you are traveling to another country, you should check if that country requires immunizations," says Khalil Tabsh, MD, chief of obstetrics at UCLA. "If it's not a live vaccine, it is OK. If it is live, then you should check with your obstetrician." Live virus vaccines include measles, mumps, rubella, varicella, and yellow fever.
You should also consider altitude when picking your vacation spot. The CDC recommends that all pregnant women avoid altitudes higher than 12,000 feet, and in high-risk or late-stage pregnancies, avoid destinations higher than 8,200 feet -- so save the trip to Mt. Everest for another day.
Finally, do you fly or drive? The ACOG states that women can fly safely up to 36 weeks into their pregnancies.
"If you are flying, check to see if there are any restrictions with the airline you've chosen," says Cesario. "There are certain airline policies that do require a letter from your doctor that it's safe for you to travel while pregnant -- you'd hate to plan a trip and find the airline won't let you get on."
Packing Your Bag
Your doctor has given you the green light, and you are ready for the babymoon to begin. What should you do next, other than pack a pair of flip flops and a sarong?
Check that you will have access to quality medical facilities at your travel destination, in case you need them. "I would take a complete list of contact information for your doctors," says Ivester. "I would also carry along contact information for qualified or highly-rated health-care facilities in the area where you are traveling, in case you need them."
Ensure your health insurance is valid while abroad, and to be on the safe side, the CDC suggests getting a supplemental travel insurance policy and a prepaid medical evaluation insurance policy.
Know your blood type, and find out if the blood supply where you are going is screened for HIV and hepatitis B.
Babymoon Dos and Don'ts
You're booked, packed, and ready to go. Here are some tips to keep in mind while traveling while expecting.
Flying the friendly skies.
When flying, the ACOG recommends that pregnant women get up and walk every half hour if possible and flex and extend their ankles frequently to prevent blood clots. Also, wear your seat belt under your belly, and drink plenty of fluids to stay hydrated.
Road trips.
"Appropriate seat belt use is very important -- buckle it below the bulge of the belly," says Cesario. "It's a big deal because there is a myth that seat belts will hurt the baby, when they really save lives and it's always safer to wear it."
Always travel with a companion.
Remember that while you may be on vacation, your heartburn, leg cramps, and frequent bathroom trips are not, so a travel partner at the very least will give you sympathy. More practically, your companion can search for a bathroom for you when you're in the middle of nowhere and need to go.
Know when to seek medical attention.
"If a pregnant woman has bleeding, cramping, fever, pain, or contractions, she should seek medical care immediately, wherever she is," says Tabsh.
Don't drink the water.
If you're in California, don't worry about it. But if you're in the rain forest in South America, don't drink the water. According to the CDC, hepatitis E, which can be contracted through water, is not vaccine preventable and can be especially dangerous for pregnant women.
"Pregnant women should drink bottled water when traveling in developing areas," says Tabsh. "Also make sure that the meat you eat is thoroughly cooked when traveling, and avoid salads, which might have been washed with tap water that isn't clean."
Avoid mosquitoes more so than usual.
Diseases like malaria can be more severe in pregnant women and harmful to a fetus, according to the CDC. So avoid insects by wearing proper clothing, remaining indoors during dusk and dawn when mosquitoes are most active, using bed nets, and applying DEET-containing repellents. Also, talk to your doctor about preventive medicine.
"If you are traveling to endemic areas of malaria, you should be on anti-malarial medication," says Tabsh.
Avoid scuba diving and anything with impact.
"Anything that might have a high impact or high risk of falling, like bicycling or skiing, should be avoided," says Ivester. "Also avoid anything with extreme pressure changes, like scuba diving."
Relax while you still can.
"Make it a relaxing vacation," says Cesario. "Enjoy yourself and try not to do too much."
Advice for Expectant Fathers
In a lot of ways, expectant fathers have it easy. They're spared the many miseries of impending motherhood: the morning sickness, the weight gain, the pain of childbirth and the other physical discomforts -- petty and profound -- of carrying a child. Nine months of pregnancy transform a woman; her partner presumably looks more or less the same as he did before.
But while guys may not have the outward signs to prove it, the effects of becoming a father can't be underestimated.
"First-time fathers might be in for a shock," says David Swain of Sunderland, Mass., the father of a 15-month-old son. "Not the astonishment over how beautiful their child is or how proud they are of the mom, but the shock of how helpless their child is and how much they as fathers must surrender to his care."
Armin Brott, the author of The Expectant Father and Father for Life, agrees. "The psychological journey of pregnancy and childbirth is no less profound for the father that it is for the mother," he tells WebMD. "He's worried about what kind of father he'll be, how he can afford having a child, how his relationship with his wife will change. These really aren't trivial issues."
But as important as these issues are, a lot of guys have trouble talking about or coping with them. According to Brott, who has two daughters and is expecting a third, being an involved father is a struggle, a struggle against societal conventions and our own insecurities. While it may not be easy, it may be the most important and valuable struggle of your life.
Feeling Left Out
After the initial excitement of discovering that you're going to be a father, you may find yourself feeling a little aimless while your partner is pregnant or even after she gives birth. While your wife is picking out maternity clothes, being feted at baby showers, and urinating every 15 minutes, life carries on for you in much the same way. Your partner simply has an inherent, physical connection to your unborn child that you don't; this may make pregnancy and fatherhood seem frustratingly abstract. Besides being a support and sidekick, what exactly are you supposed to be doing anyway?
This lack of focus can make many men feel a little shut out. "What often happens is that fathers wind up feeling excluded really early in the pregnancy," says Brott. "And that process can get worse as the pregnancy goes on and after the child is born."
Excluded by whom? Is some sinister conspiracy at work?
Hardly, but Brott observes that traditional social forces can push men away from embracing their roles as fathers. Many men wind up excluding themselves, however unintentionally.
Staying Connected
"There's no question that some dads-to-be and even experienced fathers can feel alienated from the pregnancy and birth process," says Marcus Jacob Goldman, MD, an associate clinical professor at Tufts University School of Medicine and author of The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Months.
Goldman, the father of five sons, emphasizes that the most important way to prevent this estrangement is to have an honest and open relationship with your wife. "One of the potential problems is that men and women can take two different roads to the birth process," he tells WebMD. "They journey on parallel tracks, never interacting with each other, or maybe interacting through envy and misunderstanding."
That's a mistake, and it's important to be communicating openly right from the beginning. While expectant fathers may be boiling with anxiety and worry, they may be reluctant to tell their wives about it out of compassion. For instance, fretting about your capabilities as a father may seem trivial and selfish while your wife is hunched over the toilet throwing up a dozen times a day.
But Goldman and Brott agree that you shouldn't dismiss your concerns, and a lot of important things need to be worked out over the nine months of pregnancy.
For instance, it's common for expectant fathers to become deeply worried about the family's finances, especially if their wives have been working and will be taking time off. "A lot of guys take on extra jobs or work overtime when their wives become pregnant," says Brott. "It's almost instinctual, and driven by a fear of the unknown as much as anything else."
However, that's a decision that you and your spouse should decide together. Impulsively signing on for extra hours may not be that helpful; it may make your wife feel abandoned and you feel resentful and further excluded from the pregnancy.
According to Brott and Goldman, expectant fathers need to fight against some of the societal assumptions about parenthood.
"While a lot of women are brought up to think of themselves as a natural parent, men often think of themselves as just a secondary or back-up parent," says Brott. There's still a common perception of fathers as bumbling and inept when it comes to taking care of their children.
But even though you may not always get a welcoming reception, you need to stay involved. For instance, Brott and Goldman say that you should be accompanying your wife to at least some of the doctor appointments, even if you may feel a little awkward being there.
It's important that men not surrender their position as active and involved fathers. If you give into your fears about fatherhood and hang back, burying yourself in work and letting your wife do all of the childcare, you may find yourself feeling more like a babysitter than a parent.
"We've all seen the situation where a mother will go out for the afternoon and leave her husband in charge of the kids," says Brott, "but only after giving him a detailed list about exactly what clothes the baby should wear, what the baby should eat, what stories the baby should be read, what music the baby should listen to, and even how the baby's hair should be combed."
Being more involved earlier can prevent this from happening. "And studies show that the earlier guys get involved," Brott says, "the more involved they are as parents for the long run."
Deciding whether to take time off from work is also deeply troubling for a lot of expectant fathers. It doesn't help that for many men, the strong impulse to be home to care for their wives and babies collides with their equally strong anxieties about their finances.
If you and your wife do decide that you should take time off, Brott recommends that you talk to your boss about it as early as you can. "Your employer doesn't want you to come in one morning and say, 'Oh, my wife's in labor and I won't be back for three months,'" Brott says.
Exhibiting some tact might also be a good idea. "I strongly recommend that you don't go into your boss's office armed with a copy of the Family Leave Act and slam it down on his desk, saying 'These are what my rights are!'" says Brott. "No one wants to hear that." Instead, go in with suggestions, perhaps with the offer to work from a home office a few days a week.
Although it may not be an easy conversation, Brott says that having settled the issue with your boss early will allow you to feel much more in control.
"Men also tend to have exaggerated fears of what could go wrong with their jobs," says Brott. "Your boss may be more accommodating than you expect."
"Guys have trouble letting go of their freedoms, their routines, their self-imposed duties that they actually relish," says Swain. "But taking care of a child full-time demands that you shelve all that. The challenge of being a good dad is relinquishing some of yourself and giving it to your child."
Brott agrees. "As your kids grow, you'll learn to be more patient and understanding of people's foibles and mistakes," he says. "For instance, I used to be the most uptight person about being on time and about other people being on time. But once I had kids, I'd get ready to go and one of them would fill her diaper. By the time the diaper was changed, I was late. But it didn't matter as much anymore."
People who aren't parents might assume that parenthood causes an inward retreat; after all, new parents seem to talk about nothing but feeding and nap schedules. But Brott says that fatherhood often spurs people to have a wider and more comprehensive view of the world.
"When you have a kid, you start thinking about stuff you didn't think about before," says Brott. "You start thinking about childcare, neighborhood development, and the state of education in this country. You start worrying about landfills and disposable diapers."
"It may sound kind of silly," Brott continues, "but you may realize that you don't really want your child to grow up in the same world that you did, or you want to give them a better chance that you had, and so you start trying to change the world in any little way that you can."
Finding Support
So where can a new or expectant father find support? Organizations that lead support groups are out there if you want them, although many men tend to shy away from that sort of thing.
"Men tend not to flock to support groups," says Goldman, "although most local hospitals with OB services will have groups for interested dads."
Regardless of whether you're seeking help elsewhere, it's important that you not be too hard on yourself. Everyone feels intimidated when first taking on the role of fatherhood; in fact, many of us feel like imposters at one point or another. It's also common for new dads to feel guilty about their ambivalence toward their new child.
"Don't get suckered into thinking that fatherhood is all supposed to be great," says Goldman. "Don't feel foolish if you're enraged by your baby's frequent awakenings at night. Scream into your pillow if necessary. I did."'
And Goldman and Brott agree on the first person you should turn to for help.
"I think that the place for a guy to start getting support is with his partner," says Brott. "You need to talk to her about the things that frighten and concern you. You can do it in a reassuring way, telling her that your fears don't mean that you don't love her or that you're going to hop on the next plane to Brazil. You just need to talk."
"There may not be a solution sometimes," Brott says, "but feeling understood will make everything easier."
But while guys may not have the outward signs to prove it, the effects of becoming a father can't be underestimated.
"First-time fathers might be in for a shock," says David Swain of Sunderland, Mass., the father of a 15-month-old son. "Not the astonishment over how beautiful their child is or how proud they are of the mom, but the shock of how helpless their child is and how much they as fathers must surrender to his care."
Armin Brott, the author of The Expectant Father and Father for Life, agrees. "The psychological journey of pregnancy and childbirth is no less profound for the father that it is for the mother," he tells WebMD. "He's worried about what kind of father he'll be, how he can afford having a child, how his relationship with his wife will change. These really aren't trivial issues."
But as important as these issues are, a lot of guys have trouble talking about or coping with them. According to Brott, who has two daughters and is expecting a third, being an involved father is a struggle, a struggle against societal conventions and our own insecurities. While it may not be easy, it may be the most important and valuable struggle of your life.
Feeling Left Out
After the initial excitement of discovering that you're going to be a father, you may find yourself feeling a little aimless while your partner is pregnant or even after she gives birth. While your wife is picking out maternity clothes, being feted at baby showers, and urinating every 15 minutes, life carries on for you in much the same way. Your partner simply has an inherent, physical connection to your unborn child that you don't; this may make pregnancy and fatherhood seem frustratingly abstract. Besides being a support and sidekick, what exactly are you supposed to be doing anyway?
This lack of focus can make many men feel a little shut out. "What often happens is that fathers wind up feeling excluded really early in the pregnancy," says Brott. "And that process can get worse as the pregnancy goes on and after the child is born."
Excluded by whom? Is some sinister conspiracy at work?
Hardly, but Brott observes that traditional social forces can push men away from embracing their roles as fathers. Many men wind up excluding themselves, however unintentionally.
Staying Connected
"There's no question that some dads-to-be and even experienced fathers can feel alienated from the pregnancy and birth process," says Marcus Jacob Goldman, MD, an associate clinical professor at Tufts University School of Medicine and author of The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Months.
Goldman, the father of five sons, emphasizes that the most important way to prevent this estrangement is to have an honest and open relationship with your wife. "One of the potential problems is that men and women can take two different roads to the birth process," he tells WebMD. "They journey on parallel tracks, never interacting with each other, or maybe interacting through envy and misunderstanding."
That's a mistake, and it's important to be communicating openly right from the beginning. While expectant fathers may be boiling with anxiety and worry, they may be reluctant to tell their wives about it out of compassion. For instance, fretting about your capabilities as a father may seem trivial and selfish while your wife is hunched over the toilet throwing up a dozen times a day.
But Goldman and Brott agree that you shouldn't dismiss your concerns, and a lot of important things need to be worked out over the nine months of pregnancy.
For instance, it's common for expectant fathers to become deeply worried about the family's finances, especially if their wives have been working and will be taking time off. "A lot of guys take on extra jobs or work overtime when their wives become pregnant," says Brott. "It's almost instinctual, and driven by a fear of the unknown as much as anything else."
However, that's a decision that you and your spouse should decide together. Impulsively signing on for extra hours may not be that helpful; it may make your wife feel abandoned and you feel resentful and further excluded from the pregnancy.
According to Brott and Goldman, expectant fathers need to fight against some of the societal assumptions about parenthood.
"While a lot of women are brought up to think of themselves as a natural parent, men often think of themselves as just a secondary or back-up parent," says Brott. There's still a common perception of fathers as bumbling and inept when it comes to taking care of their children.
But even though you may not always get a welcoming reception, you need to stay involved. For instance, Brott and Goldman say that you should be accompanying your wife to at least some of the doctor appointments, even if you may feel a little awkward being there.
It's important that men not surrender their position as active and involved fathers. If you give into your fears about fatherhood and hang back, burying yourself in work and letting your wife do all of the childcare, you may find yourself feeling more like a babysitter than a parent.
"We've all seen the situation where a mother will go out for the afternoon and leave her husband in charge of the kids," says Brott, "but only after giving him a detailed list about exactly what clothes the baby should wear, what the baby should eat, what stories the baby should be read, what music the baby should listen to, and even how the baby's hair should be combed."
Being more involved earlier can prevent this from happening. "And studies show that the earlier guys get involved," Brott says, "the more involved they are as parents for the long run."
Deciding whether to take time off from work is also deeply troubling for a lot of expectant fathers. It doesn't help that for many men, the strong impulse to be home to care for their wives and babies collides with their equally strong anxieties about their finances.
If you and your wife do decide that you should take time off, Brott recommends that you talk to your boss about it as early as you can. "Your employer doesn't want you to come in one morning and say, 'Oh, my wife's in labor and I won't be back for three months,'" Brott says.
Exhibiting some tact might also be a good idea. "I strongly recommend that you don't go into your boss's office armed with a copy of the Family Leave Act and slam it down on his desk, saying 'These are what my rights are!'" says Brott. "No one wants to hear that." Instead, go in with suggestions, perhaps with the offer to work from a home office a few days a week.
Although it may not be an easy conversation, Brott says that having settled the issue with your boss early will allow you to feel much more in control.
"Men also tend to have exaggerated fears of what could go wrong with their jobs," says Brott. "Your boss may be more accommodating than you expect."
"Guys have trouble letting go of their freedoms, their routines, their self-imposed duties that they actually relish," says Swain. "But taking care of a child full-time demands that you shelve all that. The challenge of being a good dad is relinquishing some of yourself and giving it to your child."
Brott agrees. "As your kids grow, you'll learn to be more patient and understanding of people's foibles and mistakes," he says. "For instance, I used to be the most uptight person about being on time and about other people being on time. But once I had kids, I'd get ready to go and one of them would fill her diaper. By the time the diaper was changed, I was late. But it didn't matter as much anymore."
People who aren't parents might assume that parenthood causes an inward retreat; after all, new parents seem to talk about nothing but feeding and nap schedules. But Brott says that fatherhood often spurs people to have a wider and more comprehensive view of the world.
"When you have a kid, you start thinking about stuff you didn't think about before," says Brott. "You start thinking about childcare, neighborhood development, and the state of education in this country. You start worrying about landfills and disposable diapers."
"It may sound kind of silly," Brott continues, "but you may realize that you don't really want your child to grow up in the same world that you did, or you want to give them a better chance that you had, and so you start trying to change the world in any little way that you can."
Finding Support
So where can a new or expectant father find support? Organizations that lead support groups are out there if you want them, although many men tend to shy away from that sort of thing.
"Men tend not to flock to support groups," says Goldman, "although most local hospitals with OB services will have groups for interested dads."
Regardless of whether you're seeking help elsewhere, it's important that you not be too hard on yourself. Everyone feels intimidated when first taking on the role of fatherhood; in fact, many of us feel like imposters at one point or another. It's also common for new dads to feel guilty about their ambivalence toward their new child.
"Don't get suckered into thinking that fatherhood is all supposed to be great," says Goldman. "Don't feel foolish if you're enraged by your baby's frequent awakenings at night. Scream into your pillow if necessary. I did."'
And Goldman and Brott agree on the first person you should turn to for help.
"I think that the place for a guy to start getting support is with his partner," says Brott. "You need to talk to her about the things that frighten and concern you. You can do it in a reassuring way, telling her that your fears don't mean that you don't love her or that you're going to hop on the next plane to Brazil. You just need to talk."
"There may not be a solution sometimes," Brott says, "but feeling understood will make everything easier."
Working While Pregnant
More women are working outside the home than ever before. In most cases, you can plan to continue working through most of your pregnancy. That's not to say pregnancy won't affect your ability to work. You may feel extremely fatigued, especially in the early weeks, and you'll no doubt have to use the bathroom more frequently than usual. Morning sickness can certainly get in the way of a pleasant day at work. Your need to snack during the day may be against job policy. Increase in body size, back problems, swelling, and fatigue can make some jobs more difficult as pregnancy progresses. Arranging to get away for your regular checkups may conflict with your job schedule. And if complications occur, you may have no choice but to discontinue work altogether.
Although some women actually manage to work safely until the day before delivery, most will take off the last month or so. A nurse patient of mine was actually working on the day she went into labor. She walked downstairs and had her baby -- but no, she didn't finish her shift. A female colleague of mine performed a cesarean section on the morning of her own delivery. Two days later she was back at work. I don't necessarily think this approach is best for everyone, but it can be done.
A job requiring long hours is by itself not a risk factor in pregnancy. A study of physicians-in-training found that professional women who work long hours during pregnancy are just as likely to have healthy babies as other women who work more moderate hours. Researchers emphasize that these findings only apply to healthy women with no pregnancy complications, and that those women in the study who worked as long as 100 or more hours a week were more likely to have a pre-term delivery.
Even before you become pregnant, try to assess yourself and your job realistically; that way, you'll know what to expect and how to plan ahead. As your pregnancy continues, you might have to reduce the number of hours you work each day. In fact, this is often better than reducing the number of days you work, since it's less fatiguing. Lifting, prolonged sitting, or standing may be difficult as you get further along, so that a modification of your job may be in order. If your health insurance is related to your job, be sure it will continue for the duration of your pregnancy. Although most employers are understanding, I have seen a few terminate their pregnant employees and leave them not only without a job but also without insurance when these women need it the most.
Hazards of the Workplace
The possible effect of your work on your pregnancy is probably more important than the effect of your pregnancy on your work. The U.S. Supreme Court has recently ruled that women can't be barred from hazardous jobs just because they are women and capable of bearing children. The responsibility falls on employers to document potential reproductive hazards and obtain individual women's informed consent to continued employment. As a female employee considering pregnancy, you must share this responsibility. In the final analysis, you need to make yourself aware of workplace risks, evaluate them, and avoid them whenever possible. Here are some of the most common hazards you might encounter:
Lead. Lead, which is often used in manufacturing processes, has been linked to miscarriages, deformities, and premature births.
Radiation. Certain radioactive drugs and X rays emit radiation, which is linked to miscarriages and birth defects.
Chemicals. At least 26 substances have been linked to problems for pregnant women, including lead, alcohol, mercury, carbon monoxide, benzene, and toluene. Some of these substances also affect male fertility.
Viruses. Nurses and day-care workers are often exposed to the rubella virus and cytomegalovirus (CMV), both of which are hazardous during pregnancy. Rubella during the first three months of pregnancy may cause severe birth defects in the fetus; CMV can be passed along to a fetus, causing handicaps such as blindness, hearing loss, and cerebral palsy.
Quite a few jobs expose workers to teratogens, or chemical or physical agents that are harmful to a developing fetus. Health-care and laboratory jobs, hairdressing and cosmetology, housecleaning, laundry and dry cleaning, and factory work (including electronics, photography, textiles, and printing) may all expose you to potentially harmful chemicals or infectious agents. These substances can be inhaled, absorbed through the skin, or taken in by mouth. For most substances, there is an exposure level that will produce no detectable effect and a dose above which problems can occur. In some instances this "no effect" level of exposure is known; in others, it is not. In some cases, your exposure can be measured, such as when X-ray technicians wear exposure badges. Often, it can't be. It would be wise to evaluate the potential reproductive effect of any workplace exposures prior to trying to conceive.
If you're a doctor, nurse, laboratory technician, or other health-care worker, you may find yourself exposed to several hazards. These include infectious diseases such as herpes, CMV, and AIDS. Other risky exposures are to anesthetic gases and some cancer drugs, as well as chemicals used for sterilization and radiation. Most of these exposures are minor and usually cause no demonstrable problems, but minimizing exposure before and during pregnancy is certainly recommended.
Lead exposure of the kind that occurs when you work with certain paints, batteries, and ceramics can cause infertility, miscarriages, and mental retardation in your offspring. Other toxic agents to avoid include solvents such as benzene and toluene, since they can cause birth defects. They are used in dry cleaning, paint removers, and electronics manufacturing.
Although some women actually manage to work safely until the day before delivery, most will take off the last month or so. A nurse patient of mine was actually working on the day she went into labor. She walked downstairs and had her baby -- but no, she didn't finish her shift. A female colleague of mine performed a cesarean section on the morning of her own delivery. Two days later she was back at work. I don't necessarily think this approach is best for everyone, but it can be done.
A job requiring long hours is by itself not a risk factor in pregnancy. A study of physicians-in-training found that professional women who work long hours during pregnancy are just as likely to have healthy babies as other women who work more moderate hours. Researchers emphasize that these findings only apply to healthy women with no pregnancy complications, and that those women in the study who worked as long as 100 or more hours a week were more likely to have a pre-term delivery.
Even before you become pregnant, try to assess yourself and your job realistically; that way, you'll know what to expect and how to plan ahead. As your pregnancy continues, you might have to reduce the number of hours you work each day. In fact, this is often better than reducing the number of days you work, since it's less fatiguing. Lifting, prolonged sitting, or standing may be difficult as you get further along, so that a modification of your job may be in order. If your health insurance is related to your job, be sure it will continue for the duration of your pregnancy. Although most employers are understanding, I have seen a few terminate their pregnant employees and leave them not only without a job but also without insurance when these women need it the most.
Hazards of the Workplace
The possible effect of your work on your pregnancy is probably more important than the effect of your pregnancy on your work. The U.S. Supreme Court has recently ruled that women can't be barred from hazardous jobs just because they are women and capable of bearing children. The responsibility falls on employers to document potential reproductive hazards and obtain individual women's informed consent to continued employment. As a female employee considering pregnancy, you must share this responsibility. In the final analysis, you need to make yourself aware of workplace risks, evaluate them, and avoid them whenever possible. Here are some of the most common hazards you might encounter:
Lead. Lead, which is often used in manufacturing processes, has been linked to miscarriages, deformities, and premature births.
Radiation. Certain radioactive drugs and X rays emit radiation, which is linked to miscarriages and birth defects.
Chemicals. At least 26 substances have been linked to problems for pregnant women, including lead, alcohol, mercury, carbon monoxide, benzene, and toluene. Some of these substances also affect male fertility.
Viruses. Nurses and day-care workers are often exposed to the rubella virus and cytomegalovirus (CMV), both of which are hazardous during pregnancy. Rubella during the first three months of pregnancy may cause severe birth defects in the fetus; CMV can be passed along to a fetus, causing handicaps such as blindness, hearing loss, and cerebral palsy.
Quite a few jobs expose workers to teratogens, or chemical or physical agents that are harmful to a developing fetus. Health-care and laboratory jobs, hairdressing and cosmetology, housecleaning, laundry and dry cleaning, and factory work (including electronics, photography, textiles, and printing) may all expose you to potentially harmful chemicals or infectious agents. These substances can be inhaled, absorbed through the skin, or taken in by mouth. For most substances, there is an exposure level that will produce no detectable effect and a dose above which problems can occur. In some instances this "no effect" level of exposure is known; in others, it is not. In some cases, your exposure can be measured, such as when X-ray technicians wear exposure badges. Often, it can't be. It would be wise to evaluate the potential reproductive effect of any workplace exposures prior to trying to conceive.
If you're a doctor, nurse, laboratory technician, or other health-care worker, you may find yourself exposed to several hazards. These include infectious diseases such as herpes, CMV, and AIDS. Other risky exposures are to anesthetic gases and some cancer drugs, as well as chemicals used for sterilization and radiation. Most of these exposures are minor and usually cause no demonstrable problems, but minimizing exposure before and during pregnancy is certainly recommended.
Lead exposure of the kind that occurs when you work with certain paints, batteries, and ceramics can cause infertility, miscarriages, and mental retardation in your offspring. Other toxic agents to avoid include solvents such as benzene and toluene, since they can cause birth defects. They are used in dry cleaning, paint removers, and electronics manufacturing.
Sex and Pregnancy: What You Need to Know
You're bloated, nauseous, and more tired than you've ever been in your life, and sex is so far out of the picture it's not even on your radar screen.
Or ... you're feeling steamy, hot, sensuous, and wanting your partner more than you ever thought you could.
Sound like two different women? It could be. But don't be surprised if these kind of dramatic sexual mood swings are part of a single pregnancy -- yours. While most women are fairly well acquainted with their sexual appetite prior to conceiving, once pregnancy happens, everything you thought you knew about your need or desire for sex may suddenly change. What's more, the minute you think you've figured it all out, you enter a new trimester and things can change once again!
The good news: From first trimester to last, sex and pregnancy is a healthy combination. One reason is that it can help keep your pelvic floor muscles toned for delivery, which can benefit you and your baby. But it can also help you and your partner expand your emotional connection to each other. A great sex life can also help you feel more desirable and yes, even sexy, at a time when you might be feeling a little down about how you look. In fact, while it may seem hard to imagine right now, for some of you pregnancy could turn out to be one of the most sexually exciting times of your life!
Pregnancy and Sexual Desire: The First Trimester
Perhaps the most important thing you can learn about sexual desire during pregnancy is that no two days are going to be alike. Much like the time before you conceived, some days you will feel like having sex, other days you won't. The only difference is, during pregnancy these desires can fluctuate much more dramatically, particularly during your first trimester. One reason has to do with your hormone levels, which are dramatically changing during this time. In addition, don't be surprised if your newly developed maternal instincts also kick in, affecting sexual desire as well. Experts say this is a normal reaction and something you can expect during your first trimester.
"During pregnancy, not only is your body changing, but your newfound maternal feelings can trigger complex emotional responses," says registered nurse and perinatal educator Joy Hacke. Suddenly, she says, motherhood and sexuality may seem "mutually exclusive," resulting in a temporary decrease in your sexual appetite. In at least one medical study of 112 pregnant Swedish couples, researchers found 40% of women experienced as least some decline in their desire for sex during the first trimester.
Hot and Heavy: Your Second Trimester
Whatever you missed during your first trimester, you can certainly begin enjoying in your second trimester. Indeed, beginning around your 14th week of pregnancy you are likely to feel a surge of confidence and energy, as well as a return of your sexual appetite. As many of the unpleasant symptoms of your first trimester (like morning sickness) begin to fade, a whole new set of physiological changes begin occurring, and some of them can have an enormously positive effect on your desire for sex.
An increase in blood volume, for example, brings more circulation to your genitals, which in turn can increase sensitivity and excitement in your entire V zone. And, thanks to higher levels of estrogen, you may also have more vaginal lubrication, which in turn may leave you with a feeling of sexual "readiness" nearly all the time.
If your breasts are traditionally a focal point of sexual stimulation, you may experience some particularly pleasant changes and some welcome surprises in this area as well. As your milk ducts develop, the tissue inside your breast can become compressed, putting more pressure on sensitive nerve endings. This, in turn, can heighten your pleasure considerably whenever your breasts are touched or stroked. In addition, studies show that breast stimulation increases the production of the hormone oxytocin -- the "biochemical of lust." And the higher your levels of oxytocin, the greater your desire for sex!
Don't be surprised, however, if you experience "leaky breasts" during sex -- more specifically, a release of colostrum, the thin, yellow-tinged fluid that develops as a precursor to milk. While this might temporarily upset or even frighten you or partner -- or cause either one of you to momentarily feel "turned off" -- remember the leakage is normal and not dangerous to you, and not harmful to your partner, even if swallowed.
Finally, the position of your baby in your uterus during the second trimester can also create a pressure that actually enhances orgasm. This, combined with the increased blood flow to your genitals, might allow you to climax in a way you never could before. If you had some difficulty achieving orgasm before pregnancy, you may find you are climaxing easier and more often during your second trimester. If you had no problems climaxing in the past, you may find that you now are multi-orgasmic. An encouraging survey of some 17,000 women found that orgasms can be better during pregnancy than ever before!
Sex and Your Third Trimester -- What You Can Expect
Though your second trimester may have been erotic bliss, your third trimester may see your sex drive taking a dive once more, often beginning around your 24th or 26th week of pregnancy. Your growing tummy can present a real challenge to sexual comfort, while pain associated with the increased weight -- particularly backaches -- could make it difficult to find a position where sex is comfortable, let alone erotic.
In addition, all that extra genital blood flow that made touch seem so pleasurable during your second trimester may now increase to such a degree that even being lightly stroked can be painful. The extra weight of your growing baby can also leave you feeling fatigued, and combined with a lack of sleep, sex may once again be the furthest thing from your mind. In that same 1991 Swedish study mentioned earlier, researchers found that 75% of women had far less sexual desire during their third trimester.
However, also remember that when it comes to sex, nothing is ever the same for every couple. In fact, some women report they turn into a virtual "sex machine" during their third trimester -- and can't get enough love! The point is that you shouldn't be surprised by any behavior or sexual feeling you develop during pregnancy -- or by the fact that your desires may change from one week -- or even one day -- to the next. Any and all is considered normal.
The 3 Best Ways to Make Love During Pregnancy
While sex may be considered safe and even pleasurable during pregnancy, clearly, it's not always comfortable, particularly during your third trimester. Your increasing size, along with other comfort issues, can make it difficult, painful, or even seemingly impossible.
What can help: Trying some new positions -- ways of having sex that experts say can be more comfortable for you. Most important is that they don't cause you to lie on your back or have your partner's weight directly on your abdomen -- which is particularly important during the second and especially the third trimesters.
Here are three pregnancy sex positions experts say work the best.
1. Spooning. In this position, you lie on your left side, your body curled in a "C" position, with knees drawn up and arms in front. Your partner, who should be facing your back, mimics the position, curling or "spooning" around your body. For intercourse he enters your vagina from behind, while both of you remain lying on your left side.
2. Side by side. In this variation, you lie on your left side facing your partner, who is lying on his right side. He slips one leg over yours (your leg can be straight or bent), which allows him to enter your vagina at an angle, which may be more comfortable for you. This position can be very helpful if you are experiencing any vaginal irritation during intercourse or if you have mild to moderate pain during sex.
3. Woman on-top. In this position, your partner lies flat on his back and you perch your body over his in a "straddle" position, which can also make it easier for you to control what is happening and allow you to feel more comfortable as well.
Or ... you're feeling steamy, hot, sensuous, and wanting your partner more than you ever thought you could.
Sound like two different women? It could be. But don't be surprised if these kind of dramatic sexual mood swings are part of a single pregnancy -- yours. While most women are fairly well acquainted with their sexual appetite prior to conceiving, once pregnancy happens, everything you thought you knew about your need or desire for sex may suddenly change. What's more, the minute you think you've figured it all out, you enter a new trimester and things can change once again!
The good news: From first trimester to last, sex and pregnancy is a healthy combination. One reason is that it can help keep your pelvic floor muscles toned for delivery, which can benefit you and your baby. But it can also help you and your partner expand your emotional connection to each other. A great sex life can also help you feel more desirable and yes, even sexy, at a time when you might be feeling a little down about how you look. In fact, while it may seem hard to imagine right now, for some of you pregnancy could turn out to be one of the most sexually exciting times of your life!
Pregnancy and Sexual Desire: The First Trimester
Perhaps the most important thing you can learn about sexual desire during pregnancy is that no two days are going to be alike. Much like the time before you conceived, some days you will feel like having sex, other days you won't. The only difference is, during pregnancy these desires can fluctuate much more dramatically, particularly during your first trimester. One reason has to do with your hormone levels, which are dramatically changing during this time. In addition, don't be surprised if your newly developed maternal instincts also kick in, affecting sexual desire as well. Experts say this is a normal reaction and something you can expect during your first trimester.
"During pregnancy, not only is your body changing, but your newfound maternal feelings can trigger complex emotional responses," says registered nurse and perinatal educator Joy Hacke. Suddenly, she says, motherhood and sexuality may seem "mutually exclusive," resulting in a temporary decrease in your sexual appetite. In at least one medical study of 112 pregnant Swedish couples, researchers found 40% of women experienced as least some decline in their desire for sex during the first trimester.
Hot and Heavy: Your Second Trimester
Whatever you missed during your first trimester, you can certainly begin enjoying in your second trimester. Indeed, beginning around your 14th week of pregnancy you are likely to feel a surge of confidence and energy, as well as a return of your sexual appetite. As many of the unpleasant symptoms of your first trimester (like morning sickness) begin to fade, a whole new set of physiological changes begin occurring, and some of them can have an enormously positive effect on your desire for sex.
An increase in blood volume, for example, brings more circulation to your genitals, which in turn can increase sensitivity and excitement in your entire V zone. And, thanks to higher levels of estrogen, you may also have more vaginal lubrication, which in turn may leave you with a feeling of sexual "readiness" nearly all the time.
If your breasts are traditionally a focal point of sexual stimulation, you may experience some particularly pleasant changes and some welcome surprises in this area as well. As your milk ducts develop, the tissue inside your breast can become compressed, putting more pressure on sensitive nerve endings. This, in turn, can heighten your pleasure considerably whenever your breasts are touched or stroked. In addition, studies show that breast stimulation increases the production of the hormone oxytocin -- the "biochemical of lust." And the higher your levels of oxytocin, the greater your desire for sex!
Don't be surprised, however, if you experience "leaky breasts" during sex -- more specifically, a release of colostrum, the thin, yellow-tinged fluid that develops as a precursor to milk. While this might temporarily upset or even frighten you or partner -- or cause either one of you to momentarily feel "turned off" -- remember the leakage is normal and not dangerous to you, and not harmful to your partner, even if swallowed.
Finally, the position of your baby in your uterus during the second trimester can also create a pressure that actually enhances orgasm. This, combined with the increased blood flow to your genitals, might allow you to climax in a way you never could before. If you had some difficulty achieving orgasm before pregnancy, you may find you are climaxing easier and more often during your second trimester. If you had no problems climaxing in the past, you may find that you now are multi-orgasmic. An encouraging survey of some 17,000 women found that orgasms can be better during pregnancy than ever before!
Sex and Your Third Trimester -- What You Can Expect
Though your second trimester may have been erotic bliss, your third trimester may see your sex drive taking a dive once more, often beginning around your 24th or 26th week of pregnancy. Your growing tummy can present a real challenge to sexual comfort, while pain associated with the increased weight -- particularly backaches -- could make it difficult to find a position where sex is comfortable, let alone erotic.
In addition, all that extra genital blood flow that made touch seem so pleasurable during your second trimester may now increase to such a degree that even being lightly stroked can be painful. The extra weight of your growing baby can also leave you feeling fatigued, and combined with a lack of sleep, sex may once again be the furthest thing from your mind. In that same 1991 Swedish study mentioned earlier, researchers found that 75% of women had far less sexual desire during their third trimester.
However, also remember that when it comes to sex, nothing is ever the same for every couple. In fact, some women report they turn into a virtual "sex machine" during their third trimester -- and can't get enough love! The point is that you shouldn't be surprised by any behavior or sexual feeling you develop during pregnancy -- or by the fact that your desires may change from one week -- or even one day -- to the next. Any and all is considered normal.
The 3 Best Ways to Make Love During Pregnancy
While sex may be considered safe and even pleasurable during pregnancy, clearly, it's not always comfortable, particularly during your third trimester. Your increasing size, along with other comfort issues, can make it difficult, painful, or even seemingly impossible.
What can help: Trying some new positions -- ways of having sex that experts say can be more comfortable for you. Most important is that they don't cause you to lie on your back or have your partner's weight directly on your abdomen -- which is particularly important during the second and especially the third trimesters.
Here are three pregnancy sex positions experts say work the best.
1. Spooning. In this position, you lie on your left side, your body curled in a "C" position, with knees drawn up and arms in front. Your partner, who should be facing your back, mimics the position, curling or "spooning" around your body. For intercourse he enters your vagina from behind, while both of you remain lying on your left side.
2. Side by side. In this variation, you lie on your left side facing your partner, who is lying on his right side. He slips one leg over yours (your leg can be straight or bent), which allows him to enter your vagina at an angle, which may be more comfortable for you. This position can be very helpful if you are experiencing any vaginal irritation during intercourse or if you have mild to moderate pain during sex.
3. Woman on-top. In this position, your partner lies flat on his back and you perch your body over his in a "straddle" position, which can also make it easier for you to control what is happening and allow you to feel more comfortable as well.
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